I have been so overwhelmed and unable to focus on the good that came out of our second opinion, it’s really annoying. All I ever seem to think about is sperm, ovulation, doctors, medical bills and it’s a lot of what I talk about too. I swear I used to be interesting and have a sense of humor! IF already messes you up enough without it completely taking over your life. I really have to kick my butt in gear and start being happy. Or at least try. I really just can’t keep going down this same path of fear, doubt and sadness, it doesn’t help.
I mean, come on! We found sperm! The doctor thinks we’ll be able to get me pregnant! IVF is no walk in the park but I can do it! I can do this. I can stare IF in the face and not blink because I will kick its ass. I will have a baby. I will constantly rub my baby bump, buy way too much baby stuff and argue over names with Carlos. I will gleefully invite everyone I know to my baby shower (or at least whomever is throwing my shower will) and I will decorate the cutest nursery, ever. I will have a baby, damnit!
I had stopped buying baby stuff for myself because it hurt so damn much. I hid what little I already had in the very back of my closet and I avoided baby sections in stores like the plague. Well…I bought a onesie. Yep, I bought the sweetest little onesie for my baby. I saw it at Target and fell in love. So, I bought it and it felt so good. It says, “wishes do come true”. Yep, they do and one day I will be holding my wish.
November 14, 2009
November 11, 2009
Fears
The IF emotional roller coaster has left me drained, totally worn out and scared out of my mind. I can't believe that there is actually hope. The past 4 months have all been about accepting C would never father a child and now, suddenly, we're staring at four little swimmers. I'm terrified that we will never find another and that nothing will ever work for us. We're about to throw ourselves into everything that is IVF and what if the outcome isn't good? How the hell would be pick ourselves up from that? Where would we go from there? I can't imagine how we will mentally prepare ourselves for this new journey, especially since we had just accepted that donor sperm was our journey. Who knows? It might still be, we won't know for quite some time.
Amid all the questions and fears, there are some things that I just simply know. I know how deep my desire is to have a child, to experience pregnancy and childbirth and to not feel like I am "missing out" on one of the greatest experiences a woman can have. I just feel this from the bottom of my heart and I always have. I'm meant to be a mom and C is meant to be a dad. This much I know. It's just that shifting gears from donor IUI to IVF with C's sperm is mind-blowing in a way that I can't explain. I want to cry when I think about a baby with C's nose or light colored hair, a baby that looks so much like C I'll want to cry every time I look at him or her b/c I know that it's a miracle. A child that will be half me and half him, something we were told wasn't possible. A child that I have dreamed about, prayed for and fantasized about for years, now they tell me is possible.
Don't they see how dangerous it is to tell me that? Don't they see my heart, C's heart, is on the line here? A child we had accepted wasn't going to happen, just might. But, what if it doesn't? Don't they see how utterly devastating it will be to us? It just seems cruel to dangle hope in our face, just for it to be snatched away in the end. This is my greatest fear. My greatest wish is that I am eating my words next year as I cuddle our child and wonder how I ever doubted our doctors.
Amid all the questions and fears, there are some things that I just simply know. I know how deep my desire is to have a child, to experience pregnancy and childbirth and to not feel like I am "missing out" on one of the greatest experiences a woman can have. I just feel this from the bottom of my heart and I always have. I'm meant to be a mom and C is meant to be a dad. This much I know. It's just that shifting gears from donor IUI to IVF with C's sperm is mind-blowing in a way that I can't explain. I want to cry when I think about a baby with C's nose or light colored hair, a baby that looks so much like C I'll want to cry every time I look at him or her b/c I know that it's a miracle. A child that will be half me and half him, something we were told wasn't possible. A child that I have dreamed about, prayed for and fantasized about for years, now they tell me is possible.
Don't they see how dangerous it is to tell me that? Don't they see my heart, C's heart, is on the line here? A child we had accepted wasn't going to happen, just might. But, what if it doesn't? Don't they see how utterly devastating it will be to us? It just seems cruel to dangle hope in our face, just for it to be snatched away in the end. This is my greatest fear. My greatest wish is that I am eating my words next year as I cuddle our child and wonder how I ever doubted our doctors.
November 10, 2009
Another Award!
I am so touched, thank you Lindsey! Drop by her blog, My IVF Reality, and wish her lots of luck with her upcoming IVF but be warned, you'll quickly be charmed by her sense of humor and honesty.
Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!
The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? bedroom
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? hilarious
4. Your father? strong
5. Your favorite food? enchiladas
6. Your dream last night? confusing
7. Your favorite drink? root beer
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? darkness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mommy
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? tall (ha!)
15. Muffins? banana nut (yeah yeah, two words)
16. Wish list item? BFP
17. Where did you grow up? Houston
18. Last thing you did? FB
19. What are you wearing? pjs
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Friends? loving
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? Awake (and I shouldn't be as it is 3am here)
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? Pontiac
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? Friday
32. Your best friend? Ashley
33. One place that I go to over and over? beach
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mary
35. Favorite place to eat? Acapulco (local place)
I now tag:
The Desire of my Heart
Coastal Confessions
Broken Baby Making Machine
Banking On It
Mommy-in-Waiting
Sell Crazy Someplace Else
Have a happy Tuesday everyone!
Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!
The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? bedroom
2. Your hair? brown
3. Your mother? hilarious
4. Your father? strong
5. Your favorite food? enchiladas
6. Your dream last night? confusing
7. Your favorite drink? root beer
8. Your dream/goal? family
9. What room are you in? office
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? darkness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? mommy
13. Where were you last night? home
14. Something that you aren’t? tall (ha!)
15. Muffins? banana nut (yeah yeah, two words)
16. Wish list item? BFP
17. Where did you grow up? Houston
18. Last thing you did? FB
19. What are you wearing? pjs
20. Your TV? off
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Friends? loving
23. Your life? blessed
24. Your mood? Awake (and I shouldn't be as it is 3am here)
25. Missing someone? always
26. Vehicle? Pontiac
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? pink
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? Friday
32. Your best friend? Ashley
33. One place that I go to over and over? beach
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mary
35. Favorite place to eat? Acapulco (local place)
I now tag:
The Desire of my Heart
Coastal Confessions
Broken Baby Making Machine
Banking On It
Mommy-in-Waiting
Sell Crazy Someplace Else
Have a happy Tuesday everyone!
November 9, 2009
Unbelievable
We went to our second opinion fully prepared to hear some more of what we have already been told. We both were trying to pretend that we weren't wishing, hoping and praying for a miracle. I sat with C through an extensive questioning of his medical history, our TTC journey and sex life. I witnessed a very thorough physical examination and was able to assist him in collecting semen for our 4th SA. Then we were told to wait for the results and to finally see Dr. L. After what felt like forever, but was really only 40 minutes, Dr. L strolled in and made me cry.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
4 sperm. There were 4 sperm in the SA. 4 SPERM!! Two thoughts flew through my mind, where the hell had they been hiding and isn't 4 the most beautiful number, ever? Dr. L informed us that we would more than likely be sending Dr. Nuts a baby picture of C's biological child. He thinks Dr. Nuts is a total idiot and did everything wrong. Dr. L suspects a blockage and has ordered a transrectal ultrasonography (TRUS) and a seminal vesicle aspiration (SVA) for December 21. He also ordered a ton of blood work, including a Y-Chromosome Analysis to check C's DNA.
The 4 were not perfect, 3 were non-motile and only 1 was motile. Based on that, Dr. L said we would be ushered right into IVF, but that didn't surprise us. Well, it scares us but it doesn't surprise us. I cannot describe to you how it felt to be told this. We were in utter shock, I was crying my eyes out and C couldn't stop smiling. We are so glad that we didn't stop with Dr. Nut's or Dr. Insensitive's advice to adopt b/c C is sterile. I am so happy that I didn't ignore my instinct and traveled 500 miles to get another opinion. I am so grateful that God didn't turn His back on me and gave us this break.
As excited as we are, we also know that 4 does not equal a baby and that sperm doesn't equal a successful IVF cycle. But, 4 is so much more than 0. 4 is amazing. 4 is a miracle. 4 is hope.
November 3, 2009
Changes
I've talked about my younger sister before, about how AF made her appearance the day of her baby shower, completely ruining it for me. This was in May and when I went home for the birth in June, AF made her appearance again. AF is such a stupid biatch and this is why we are no longer on speaking terms. AF has been MIA ever since but what do I expect from that asshat? Anyway, my sister was in an abusive relationship with the father that ended very badly recently. So, she's coming to live with us. My 21 year old sister and her 4 month old are going to be living with us. The "us" that is in the middle of the total crap that is azoospermia. Should be interesting. My sister and my mom assure me that it is temporary and I know that it is an emergency situation, so we don't mind. I just hope that I can keep my IF bitterness hidden while she's here. I'd do anything to protect my niece and my sister so here they come.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
We're heading home tomorrow for a few days. Our second opinion appointment is Friday and we are anxiously awaiting it. It's all I can think about, so much so that I've been having baby dreams every night lately. Last night it was the cutest little girl named Ava Grace, which isn't a name we've ever been interested in, but there she was, my spitting image and cute as a button. The dream ended badly but in it, I was a mommmy and C was a daddy and our daughter was the most precious thing in the world. I just *know* that we're going to be parents and I can't wait to meet our child.
I hope these dreams are an indication of potential good news on Friday. I hope, with everything in me, that C is able to father children one day. So much is hinging on this appointment that it scares me. I don't want to pin all my hopes on this doctor b/c I'm very aware that there might be nothing he can do. I should be more cautious with my heart but I just can't help but have hope. Hope, because little Ava Grace also had her daddy's nose.
October 30, 2009
love, love, love
A lovely blogger, whose blog name I love, Wait, What? nominated me for an award! My very first, thank you so much! aww, isn't she sweet?! I love that you add humor to the biatch that is IF and I love reading your blog, it makes me smile and I can't wait to celebrate your pregnancy. Go check out her blog and wish her lots of luck with her upcoming beta.
The rules for this award are simple. I LOVE YOU equals 8 letters which gives you 8 rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love.
5-Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6-You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.
7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.
8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
I pass the love on to the following :
No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat Understanding
Conception Deception Supportive
Gum,2,3,4 Determination
My IVF Journey Strength
My Ramblings Honesty
In the Name of the Father Hilarious
Check out their blogs and see what I mean, pass on the love!
The rules for this award are simple. I LOVE YOU equals 8 letters which gives you 8 rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Nominate no more than 17 people (why 17?) who you love or you think could use some love.
5-Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6-You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.
7-Post links to the 17 blogs you nominate.
8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
I pass the love on to the following :
No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat Understanding
Conception Deception Supportive
Gum,2,3,4 Determination
My IVF Journey Strength
My Ramblings Honesty
In the Name of the Father Hilarious
Check out their blogs and see what I mean, pass on the love!
October 28, 2009
Cutie Cute Dogs
We have 2 very spoiled furbabies- Lucky and Lila. They are both chihuahua/weenie dog mixes aka chiweenies! Lucky was rescued November 2006 and Lila was adopted February 2007. They have been completely spoiled by us ever since, even my parents spoil them! I can't believe I haven't "introduced" them yet! So, here are my babies:
Lucky
He was about to be abandoned after his mom's owners couldn't get "rid" of him so we grabbed him up! We hadn't been married long and lived in a tiny apartment but we couldn't let him be tossed aside like that. He loves Cheetos and fries and is constantly at C's side, they are BFFs. Lucky has an attitude but we let it slide b/c he's so darn cute! He thinks he's a huge pit bull and has yet to meet a dog he's afraid of, much to the annoyance of our neighbors! Loves to howl at the train and chase bubbles. He loves to sit on our windowsills, keeping an eye on the neighborhood. Total Daddy's boy and is very protective of us.
Lila
We adopted her after I realized Lucky needed a sibling and I wanted a girl dog. She's a submissive urinator and pees if we yell at her, scare her, pick her up a certain way, drop something, hit something....basically she pees a lot but she can't help it and we love her anyway. Lila think she's a princess and regularly demands belly rubs by walking up to us and plopping down on her back in front of us. Anyone that comes over is expected to rub her belly as well. She's our delicate sweetie, scared of fireworks and loud noises. She's totally a mommy's girl and loves to cuddle!
I'm not sure what I would do without our 2 dogs, they even go with me on my regular trips to Houston to visit family! Their stockings are hung by ours over the fireplace every Christmas and I can't go to a pet store without buying them a new toy, Carlos teases me but he spoils them just as much.
I leave you with Lucky and Lila decked out in their Halloween finery. I hope you had a great Wednesday and have an even better Thursday!
Lucky
He was about to be abandoned after his mom's owners couldn't get "rid" of him so we grabbed him up! We hadn't been married long and lived in a tiny apartment but we couldn't let him be tossed aside like that. He loves Cheetos and fries and is constantly at C's side, they are BFFs. Lucky has an attitude but we let it slide b/c he's so darn cute! He thinks he's a huge pit bull and has yet to meet a dog he's afraid of, much to the annoyance of our neighbors! Loves to howl at the train and chase bubbles. He loves to sit on our windowsills, keeping an eye on the neighborhood. Total Daddy's boy and is very protective of us.
Lila
We adopted her after I realized Lucky needed a sibling and I wanted a girl dog. She's a submissive urinator and pees if we yell at her, scare her, pick her up a certain way, drop something, hit something....basically she pees a lot but she can't help it and we love her anyway. Lila think she's a princess and regularly demands belly rubs by walking up to us and plopping down on her back in front of us. Anyone that comes over is expected to rub her belly as well. She's our delicate sweetie, scared of fireworks and loud noises. She's totally a mommy's girl and loves to cuddle!
I'm not sure what I would do without our 2 dogs, they even go with me on my regular trips to Houston to visit family! Their stockings are hung by ours over the fireplace every Christmas and I can't go to a pet store without buying them a new toy, Carlos teases me but he spoils them just as much.
I leave you with Lucky and Lila decked out in their Halloween finery. I hope you had a great Wednesday and have an even better Thursday!
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